Panel 1: A pig general with a chest full of medals enters Jiggles. Hefferbottom greets him with a sales pitch.
Hefferbottom: Good morning, Sir! Would you like to peruse our fine array of gold and silver fake vaginas? Or licorice S&M whips?
Panel 2: The general walks offstage. Hefferbottom follows the general and holds up a copy of "Hideous Herms Half-Monthly."
H: Or maybe our collection of fine truck stop porn?
Panel 3: The general turns around to face H. H is surprised.
General: As much as I appreciate a good fake vagina, I'm not here for porn! I'm here for...
Panel 4: Melvin is mopping the floor. He perks up when he hears the general.
G: ...your janitor!
Panel 1: Exterior shot of a huge military base labeled "Secret Military Base" with signs out front: "No Back Entry" and "Don't Look!"
M: What do you think the military wants with us, Filbert?
F: Heavens knows what they want with us!
Panel 2: Inside the base. Melvin stares at a terrified Filbert.
F: They might want to perform weird, icky experiments on us! Or use poison gas on us!
Panel 3: Closeup of Filbert.
F: Or they might think we're terrorists, and send us to Guantanamo, where we'll get fucked up the ass every day with burning Korans!
Panel 4: Angry Melvin looks at confused Filbert.
M: Religious rape jokes aren't polite, Filbert.
F: Really? I thought it was patriotic to make jokes about the Koran.
Panel 1: The pig general is explaining everything to Melvin and Filbert.
G: Okay you two, you were brought here because your country needs you! You both have very special abilities that will be very useful on the mission we have planned!
Panel 2: Angry Melvin points off screen at the general. Filbert looks on.
M: Now just wait a googly-eyed minute! We're not in the army! What kind of country is this where you can just grab people off the street and send them off to die?
Panel 3: General leans in towards Melvin and Filbert.
G: Wait until I explain everything to you! You might not die on this mission, and once you two hear about it, it'll seem like a wild sex party!
General introduces the Get Along Gang to a terrified Melvin and Filbert.
G: And here are your teammates on this mission! They're old friends of yours! They'll get a pardon if they survive!
Monty Moose: We will crush your souls AND your balls!
M: Oh my giddy aunt.
Panel 1: General stands in front of a screen. The other characters are in front of him in silhouette.
G: The reason for your mission was created shortly after the Gulf War. Saddam Hussein knew that the United States had developed the Internet and was going to allow the public to use it.
Panel 2: Angry Saddam yelling at a scientist and pounding his fist on his desk.
S: Americans will make a fortune off of this! Find a way to ruin it!
Panel 3: Saddam standing in front of scientist. They are both in front of a computer.
Scientist: Sir, we have developed the ultimate computer virus, disguised as a comic strip character! We will put it in an Internet comic strip through one of our American agents, and it will spread through other comic strips, eating computer memory until the entire Internet is down for good!
Butterwort sends an email to Nerd Skunk strip artist. The General's narration is in a box on top of the panel.
G: So an Iraqi agent tricked a webcomic artist into putting the virus into action....
B's email: Hi sweetie! I have a character for your strip that will really pull in readers!
Panel 1: Butterwort reads an email from the artist.
A's email: How would your character "Zug Zug" make "Vic-20 Nerd Skunk" more interesting?
Panel 2: Butterwort writes back.
B's email: She'd add sex appeal to your comic! All your characters do is complain about how unappreciated old computers are!
Sabrina Online style: Nerd Skunk complains to her best friend Minerva Squirrel.
NS: The professor failed me because his computer doesn't take cassettes!
Butterwort responds to artist's email.
A's email: Yeah...you're right, at that.
B's email: Trust me, this character will do forI mean do a lot for the cause of webcomics!
Panel 1: Shot of the NS staring at a ridiculously fat version of Zig Zag. Narration box on the top.
G: So the foolish artist let the Iraqi spy's character join his webcomic cast....
Panel 2: Butterwort reads her email. Narration box on top.
G: And that character became more popular than anything that artist ever came up with!
Email1: That fat skunk girl sure is hot!
Email2: Can I put her in my webcomic? All my other characters are kumquats!
Panel 3: NS is underneath ZZ, straining to hold up several tons of the fat skunk. NBOT.
G: And the more webcomics Zug Zug appeared in, the more powerful she became, and the more memory she took up!
Panel 4: Angry Melvin looks angrily at his computer. NBOT.
G: This explains why the Internet has become so slow lately....
M: Man! I know fatty porn takes up a lot of space, but it's been five hours already!
Panel 1: Diagram of links between webcomics, similar to maps of the Internet. A huge striped blob in the center is extending black tentacles to other webcomics, depicted as single strips. NBOT.
G: As Zug Zug grew more powerful, she put her tentacles out to every webcomic on the Internet!
Panel 2: Two midget foxes, a girl and a boy, look at one of the tentacles. NBOT.
G: Her presence became noticeable....
Girl fox: That sure looks like a penis to me!
Boy fox: Let's hump it to make sure!
Panel 3: Closeup of the general. He looks serious and determined.
G: If she's isn't stopped, all the memory in the Internet will be used up, and the whole thing will crash...along with the world economy, which needs porn to keep going!
Panel 4: Closeup of shocked Melvin. General's finger is pointing at Melvin's face. Filbert and GAG characters in the background.
G: That's why YOU have to stop her!
Panel 1: Melvin points to himself, other characters in background.
M: But why am I here?
Panel 2: M stands there, looking confused.
G: You're here because, like all bilbies, you can sniff out fat!
Panel 3: General shows Melvin a picture of Peaches. M looks like he's about to sneeze.
G: Just look!
Panel 4: All white space except for the words "This scene is so disgusting it has made you blind."
Panel 1: The General, M, F, and the GAG are standing in front of a giant screen. The General gestures towards the screen.
G: This...is the entrance to the Internet. Every computer connected to the Internet is connected to this.
Panel 2: Closeup of General's face.
G: You will enter through here, and track one of Zug Zug's tentacles through several webcomics. The bilby will use his fat-sniffing powers to find Zug Zug's central location. Then we will send in the prison inmates to hold her still...
Panel 3: Closeup of F.
G: ...while Hellbender here will use his amazing fondling abilities to find her off switch under all that flab!
Panel 4: Melvin asks the General a question.
M: Wait, a computer virus has fat and an off switch?
G: Just don't think about it too much.
Panel 1: M/F/GAG in front of the Entrance.
G: Now get out there and save the Internet!
M: Wow! I get to find the fattest female in all the world!
Panel 2: Closeup of a very happy Melvin.
M: She'll probably have a huge belly, big boobs, and two huge, round butt cheeks!
Panel 3: Melvin in front of images of a cute, fat skunk creature.
M: I'm sure it's not adultery if you play with something on the Internet, is it? This is the best day of my life, after my wedding and my joining the Fatties Eating Pudding mailing list!
Panel 4: Closeup of the GAG. Moose and Cat are whispering.
Moose: You made sure to bring a shiv?
Cat: Yeah, we can just say he got crushed by a falling gut fold.
Panel 1: Melvin and Filbert are floating in a sea of 0s, 1s, and computer chips.
Panel 2: Melvin sniffs the Internet.
M: Okay, here goes! Sniff sniffI smell static electricity, spunk, and
Panel 3: Melvin's face goes wild with delight!
M: Mmmmmm! Fat! Feminine fat! Over this way! It's fat with a.....
Panel 4: Melvin stops in front of a ridiculously muscular version of Sheeri from PCC.
M: ...strong overlayer of mutton!
Panel 1: Melvin looks at the buff version of Sheeri.
M: Hi, we're looking for a fat webcomic skunk. Have you seen a tiger-striped tentacle anywhere?
S: I haven't, but maybe Doctor Egon has! I'll take you to him!
Panel 2: In the next panel, the Sheeri character is very thin. Her breasts stay big no matter what
S: I'm Sheepi, by the way. I'm a natural shapeshifter whose body responds to the fetishes of those near her.
Panel 3: Sheepi has turned into a dragon, with breasts.
S: Sometimes I get so mixed up, I have no idea what I am!
Panel 4: Sheepi is now really fat. Melvin is drooling a little.
M: That would be a good form to take.
S: Oh, you! Our artist doesn't like fat on anything except breasts, even on women with no body fat!
Panel 1: All the characters in shadow in front of a high-tech domed complex.
S: Here's the Doc's headquarters! He spends all his time playing video games and making jokes about them!
Panel 2: Sheepi gestures towards the door. She now has two heads.
S: Although sometimes he'll fight aliens, or ripoffs of bad independent comics characters!
Panel 3: Sheepi leads the other characters to a parody of Andrah, who is wearing a Smurfette outfit..
S: Here's the Doc's wife, Andro! She's actually pretty small for her species!
Panel 4: Melvin looks nauseous, Filbert looks up at him.
M: Muscle...making me sick! Need flab now!
F: Uh, you wouldn't happen to have any fatty porn here, would you?
S: I'll see what's in our garbage bin!
Panel 1: Sheepi turns on a video screen. She has green scales now.
S: Here's some porn the Doc's been working on! It stars the world's greatest fatty porn characters, the Lerou sisters!
Title screen: Peaches and Pickles in: Steroids in My Snatch!
Panel 3: Extremely buff versions of the Lerou sisters in skimpy workout gear.
Peaches: Man, that was a great workout! We should bench-press Harry Knowles more often!
Pickles: Now we can screw each other in our muscle folds!
Panel 4: Melvin turns green and is about to pass out. An embarrassed Sheepi looks onshe is now as hairy as Cousin Itt.
M: Aaaaooowww, it looks like raw beef being rubbed together!
S: Oops! I forgotthe Doc always alters his porn so it shows muscle!
Panel 1: Filbert cradles a sick Melvin. Sheepi looks like an inflated balloon.
S: I know! I'll call Cap'n Bigteats! Her big boobs have more fat than a herd of pigs!
Panel 2: A door opens on a giant pair of breasts covered with two giant eyepatches.
SFX: Swoosh! Boing!
Panel 3: Sheepi puts Melvin in the Cap'n's cleavage.
Panel 4: Melvin has a big smile on his face.
S: Good thing the Doc has more than one fetish!
Panel 1: Filbert is talking to Sheepie, who now looks like a giant butt.
F: All this is arousing, but do you know where the tentacle is?
S: Sure! The Doc here will fix you right up!
Panel 2: Doc Egon is sitting at a computer.
DE: Hmmm. My instruments show that there is a large tentacle lying between the Buxom Mountains just west of here.
Panel 3: Closeup of the Doc's face, lit up by the screen.
DE: Follow that tentacle, and you will get closer to the great hambeast.
Panel 4: Moose and Doc are talking.
M: Thanks! Can ya give us any more help?
DE: I'll prepare a surgical suite to patch you up after your inevitable failure.
Panel 1: Andro prepares to throw our heroes over the horizon.
DE: My wife here will send you on your way! Good luck in surviving webcomic stupidity!
Panel 2: Andro throws our heroes over the horizon.
Panel 3: Everybody is flying through the air, all clumped together.
M: Sniffwe're on the right way!
Panel 4: Our heroes fly through the Internet, following a huge furry, tiger-striped tentacle.
Panel 1: Our heroes land in a wooded clearing.
Panel 2: Our heroes are lying on the grass; Melvin and Filbert are rubbing their heads.
F: I hope this comic isn't as fetishy as that last one.
M: Don't count on it, most webcomics are about some kind of freakiness!
Panel 3: Melvin is talking to Filbert.
M: Most of them are about fetishes, or the author's stupid political beliefs....Sometimes they can be excuses to put your friends in the comic so they will visit your webpage....
Panel 4: Filbert asks Melvin a question.
F: So are they good for anything?
M: Well, this one is keeping me from the unemployment line...although unemployment probably pays more!
Panel 1: Melvin and Filbert walk through the meadow.
M: What comic strip is this anyway?
Panel 2: A deer with a tie runs in front of our surprised heroes.
Panel 3: Melvin looks pleased.
M: Hey! This must be that strip where all the animals act like humans except for eating each other!
Panel 4: Worried Filbert looks at Melvin.
F: And this is good for us, how?
M: Pfft. Hellbenders are predators. As long as only crayfish attack us, we're okay.
Panel 1: M/F walk up to a giant hamster version of Kevin from "Kevin and Kell."
M: Maybe this guy knows somethingexcuse me sir?
Panel 2: Hamster guy turns towards Melvin.
M: What comic is this?
Panel 3: Hamster talks to our heroes.
H: This is "Kenny and Kill," a humorous look at what would happen if animals gave up some of their civilized instincts. Life here is like a sitcom!
Panel 4: A female hyena version of Kell enters the frame. She's wearing a business suit, and is covered in blood. M/F are shocked.
Kill: Whew! Busy day at work today!
Kenny: A sitcom full of blood!
Panel 1: Kenny shows M/F into his house. It's filled with dead animals, animal skins, and bloody skinning utensils.
Kenny: My wife is her company's top disembowler! I married her because I can't feel fear, and thus I had no idea what I was getting into!
Panel 2: A hyena version of Rudy stands next to a skeletal echidna representing Lindesfarne.
Kenny: My stepson is always eating my adopted daughter, but she turns back to normal in the next strip, 'cause we're cartoons!
Panel 3: A hideous mutant hyena-hamster baby glowers in a corner.
Kenny: And here's my little girl, Chorazin! The doctors said that Kill and I would only have a child if a miracle happened!
Panel 4: Chorazin drools over a frightened Melvin.
Kenny: Oh good, she likes you!
Melvin: Come on, Filbert, aren't crayfish the offspring of a hyena and a hamster?
Panel 1: M/F are chained up in the basement. Kill is talking to them.
M: I thought this webcomic was supposed to be funny.
K: It's only funny if you don't think about it too much.
Panel 2: Kill talks.
K: In our world, predators basically live by murder. That means we get a free ride when it comes to legal responsibility.
Panel 3: Horrified M/F
K: I could kill you for food, or for invading my home, or just because I want to.
Panel 4: M talks to Kill. Scared F looks on.
M: Why don't you eat your husband instead of us? He's fatter than we are!
K: That would destroy the whole premise of this webcomic. It'd be like when Lil' Abner got married.
F: Why not eat him?
Panel 1: M/F chained to wall, K turns away and grabs a wicked-looking instrument.
K: Anyway, I'll just gut the both of you and put what organs I don't eat in the recycle bin.
Panel 2: Melvin struggles.
M [whispers]: My arms are so skinny, I think I can slip through these manacles. Then I'll punch her in the snoot and hope it's glass!
Panel 3: M slips out.
Panel 4: Kill towers over Melvin.
M: Now if I can just reach her snoot....
Panel 1: M runs around the basement like an idiot. Kill follows himshe's ready to kill him!
M: AAAH! AAAAAH! HALLLLP!
Panel 2: M sees a cow carcass as he runs past.
Panel 3: M pulls out a big bone and cracks Kill over the head with it.
Panel 4: Kill lies dead on the floor. M stands over her.
Panel 5: M frees F.
F: She's dead, of course? She is dead?
M: The sound effect sure sounded that way!
F: Don't make lame jokes just to fill space.
Panel 1: M/F have snuck out of Kenny and Kill's house.
M: Okay. Just let me sniff the air to find out where the next tentacle is.
Panel 2: M sniffs air.
Panel 3: M talks to F.
M: Okay, we should go west
Kenny: YOU KILLED MY WIFE!
Panel 4: A furious Kenny holding a big club confronts our heroes.
F: Let's hurry!
Panel 1: M/F are running like hell to escape an angry mob.
Off-panel: Get 'em!
Panel 2: The angry mob, including Kenny, Chorazin, the rest of the family, and vicious predators. They all carry torches, pitchforks, and other scary-looking weapons.
Various mobbers: Kill the murderers! How dare they fight back! Do bilbies taste good?
Panel 3: M/F run towards a giant tentacle reaching into the sky.
F: There it is, thank God!
Panel 4: M/F climb up the tentacle.
Panel 5: The angry mob is at the base of the tentacle shaking their fists.
Panel 6: M/F keep climbing.
M: Thank God for tentacle porn!
Panel 1: M/F still climbing on the tentacle. The tentacle floats in a sea of numbers and circuits.
Panel 2: M/F on the tentacle.
M: I think this one might get us all the way to Zug Zug! It's getting thicker!
F: That makes my stomach queasy.
Panel 3: A parody of Gene Catlow pops into the frame next to M/F.
Exposition Cat: Welcome to my domain! I, Exposition Cat, will provide you with so much exposition, your heads will explode with joy!
Panel 4: M/F stare at the cat for a while.
Panel 5: M/F are unimpressed, EC looks annoyed.
M: We don't want any trouble here, mister!
F: We've had two or three blocks of exposition already!
EC: Mine is of much greater quantity instead of quality.
Panel 1: EC starts throwing out exposition at random to M/F.
EC: You see, all this fulfills an ancient prophecy....
Panel 2: EC surrounded by gerbils on wheels, gerbils working at a computer, and Joan Armatrading with bags of money..
EC: The Internet was invented by gerbils who were bored by running on wheels all day...They got funding from Joan Armatrading, who had made a killing on the St. Kitts stock market....
Panel 3: EC starts yelling out at random.
EC: But then the space ferrets came and zapped everybody with ray guns that turned them into haddocks! And the herbed butter turned itself into cream! Then Quizno's came out with a new library classification scheme for $9.99!
Panel 4: Confused Melvin asks EC a question.
M: Why are you just shouting out random plot points?
EC: That's the best way to write a webcomic! It worked for A. E. Van Vogt!
Panel 1: M/F/EC are floating in the Internet.
M: Well, are you coherent enough to tell us where Zug Zug is?
EC: Sure! She's right over....
Panel 2: A door in a black void.
Panel 3: M shakes EC's hand.
M: Thanks a doodle!
Panel 4: EC watches our heroes leave.
EC: That should take care of the competition.
Panel 1: M/F open the door.
M: Here we are pal, "Vic-20 Nerd Skunk"! We just go in and we'll find our target!
Panel 2: M/F in doorway.
M: She's gotta be huge, from the size of those tentacles! I bet she's fatter than that fat lady I worked for!
Panel 3: M/F walk through an orgy.
F: You do know we have to kill her, right?
M: Of course I do, but I can take a look, can't I?
Panel 4: M/F walk up to a desperate Sabrina parody.
M: Or maybe a little touch?
Sab: Oh thank God! The rumors were true! Hallelujah!
Panel 1: M announces himself to Sab.
M: Madam, I am here to see your employer. Do let her know that I am interested in discussing her plans for the Internet.
Panel 2: Happy Sab talks to M.
Sab: You don't need to lie, Sir! That monster's ruined my comic! All her sexual perversity keeps me from talking about the wonders of the Vic-20! I'll show you right in!
Panel 3: Pleased M and worried F about to walk through door.
M: See, Filbert, nothing to worry about!
Panel 4: Tiny M/F in front of a giant striped blob with tentacles and a huge maw.
ZZ: YOU WILL DIE!
Panel 1: M/F trapped in ZZ's tentacles.
Panel 2: M/F being drawn towards the maw.
M: Time is of the essence! Let's call the Get-Along Gang!
Panel 3: M on cell phone.
M: Okay, we found the monster, send in the gang to kill it!
Panel 4: Back at the base. The General lies on the floor with knives sticking out of him.
M: Uh, hello?
Panel 5: The GAG riding off in a Jeep.
Panel 6: A cell phone in the General's hand.
M: Anybody there?
Panel 1: M/F in the tentacles.
M: This cell phone isn't working! Time for Super Bilby to charge!
Panel 2: M flexes both arms and destroys the tentacle!
Panel 3: M leaps onto ZZ's flab.
Panel 4: M on ZZ's body.
M: Hah-hahh! Now to take care of...
Panel 5: M with orgasmic expression on face.
M: Ohhh-ohhh-ohhhhhh....so much fat....
Panel 6: Shot of F held by tentacle and M sinking deeper into ZZ.
F: This is no time to perv out! Find the off switch!
M: Shut up.
Panel 1: F held by tentacle swings back and forth.
F: If I can just swing fast enough
Panel 2: F breaks free!
Panel 3: F on ZZ's flab.
F: Now to find that off switch!
Panel 4: F climbs past M, who is in Fatty Heaven.
Panel 5: F finds the off switch!
Panel 6: Closeup of F switching ZZ off.
Panel 7: Closeup of ZZ's surprised face.
Panel 8: BOOOM!
Panel 1: M back home telling Cloey the story.
M: And then we were flung out of the Internet back to the base!
Panel 2: Skeptical Cloey talks to Melvin.
Cl: So, you say you and your friend blew up a giant cartoon skunk that was trying to eat the Internet. And that's why your boss docked you, and why you're not getting a check this week.
Panel 3: Happy M reaches off screen for something.
M: No, that's just the reason my boss docked me! The reason why I'm not getting a check this week....
Panel 4: M holds up a huge photo of Mr. Hefferbottom with a giant blob of bloody ZZ flab covering his whole head like a hat!
M: Is this!
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