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MMOONDOG SCRIPT--SAVING JACK'S SHIT

All characters copyright Kim Arndt.

PAGE ONE


Panel 1:

Moondog And Topher walk into a grungy comic shop.  The place looks like it hasn’t been cleaned in a while.


TOPHER: Thanks for takin' me in here, Moon!

MOONDOG: Just keep quiet and don't make trouble.


Panel 2:


A big fat guy at the counter is eating a sandwich and not noticing anything. Topher asks him a question.


TOPHER: Where’s the fuck comics?


Panel 3:

Moon and Topher look at a piece of Jack Kirby's original art, hanging in a frame on the wall. It's the cover of Tales to Astonis 39.

MOON: O God....


Panel 4:

Moon gets all excited, Topher asks his question.


MOON: I can’t believe it–a page of Jack Kirby’s original art!  It’s Tales to Astonish 39!


TOPHER: Ant-Man? I remember seein’ him crawl around in his wife’s cooch in this one comic....


Panel 5:


Moon pinches Topher's beak shut with his fingers.

TOPHER: MMPH!

MOON: Tut-tut! Ant-Man did a lot more than that! It all began when he first discovered the Pym particle....


Panels 6-8:


Over the next three panels, Moon holds Topher's beak shut while he discourses on the history of Ant-Man. Topher looks more and more uncomfortable.


MOON: Blah blah Scarlet Beetle...gave his girlfriend wasp wings...met th' Porcupine...


Panels 9-10:


In the next two panels, the sun sets behind the shop as Moon goes on.


MOON:...blah joins Avengers...smacks his wife...


Panel 11:


Moon turns to the comic guy.


MOON: How much for this art?


Panel 12:


Closeup of the comic guy–he’s smiling.


COMIC GUY: 50, thousand, dollars.


Panel 13:

Moon yells angrily.  The comic guy does not sympathize.


MOON: WHAT? But it’s only Ant-Man!


COMIC GUY: Yeah, but it’s Jack Kirby Ant-Man! If you want it, you should go get a job!



PAGE 2:


Panel 14.


Interior of Diddlin’ Office. M is hard at work on a particularly nasty commission. Kat almost falls over in disgust.  Her eyes are bugging out of her head and she


looks like she's about to vomit.


KAT: What are you drawing instead of that full-page ad for lubri--OH GOD!


Panel 15:


Over the shoulder shot of what Moon is drawing.  It should be hard to see exactly what it is, but it should look perverted and gross.


KAT: Well well! Seven years of art school for this! Your parents would really be proud to see their son has come so far!


MOON: I'm doing this for a page of Jack Kirby's art.  It costs $50,000, and I owe it to the greatest comic book artist of all time to draw mutant penis tumors!


KAT: Where did you go to school? Cooper Union? Pratt Institute? Or did you draw Cubby the Bear?


GOLDSTY offscreen: Moondog! I need you to do another watersports drawing!


Panel 16:


Kat takes a closer look at the drawing.


KAT: And you can't stick a pecan pie in that side of a--


MOON: How do you know!.



PAGE 3:


Panel 17:


A montage of Moondog drawing all kinds of perverted stuff for Mr. Goldsty. The strain is taking its toll.


GOLDSTY: Two girls yiffin’ a robot, that shoots pee out its butt!


MOON:  Ohhh....


GOLDSTY:  Two guys fuckin’ a guy in a rubber suit!


MOON:  Groannn...


GOLDSTY:  Shitting dick nipples! Both girls!


MOON:  AAAAHHHH!


MOON:  I CAN’T TAKE ANYMORE! YOU SICK FUCK! YOU SICK, SICK FUCK!


MOON:  (cries)


Panel 18:

Jack Kirby’s spirit appears to Moon.


KIRBY:  Look at ya! Is that any way ta talk!


KIRBY:  I hadda take a lotta shit from employers, maybe not as bad as you, but I still hadda do stuff I didn’t like! You almost earned enough money ta buy my art kid, don’t blow it!


Panel 19:


Kirby disappears. Moon goes back to work, energized.


Panel 20:


Moon has a wad of cash. He prepares to leave to get Kirby’s art. Topher watches him go.

MOON: Well, I’m off to save Jack’s art from that asshole! Whatcha doin’?

TOPHER:  Have fun!


PAGE 3:


Panel 21:


Moon goes inside the shop, then comes out with the art.

MOON:  At last!



Panel 22:


Next day at work. Moon is showing off his prize to Kat.  Kat is a little impressed, even though it's Ant-Man.

MOON: Yep, this baby cost me 50,000 bucks, but it was worth it to save a piece of comics history!

KAT: Y'know, if you really wanted to protect it, you'd send it to a comics museum. There's a Jack Kirby Museum in Hoboken, you should send it there!



Panel 22:


Moon walks by Goldsty's office while talking to Kat.

MOON: I will! But first I'll show this to the boss!

Moon steps into the office. Goldsty is eating a messy sandwich.

MOON: Uh, boss, I....

Goldsty looks up and sees Moon holding the page of art.

GOLDSTY: Whatcha got there, son?  So that's what I've been givin' ya money for?



Panel 23:


Goldsty grabs the page AND GETS SANDWICH SAUCE AND CHEESE ALL OVER THE ART AND RUINS IT while Moon looks on in horror.

GOLDSTY: This scribbling is what you got with my money? Boy, you got some strange tastes, kid!



Panel 24:


Moon walks out of the office, holding scraps of paper. He is in tears. Jack Kirby appears behind him.

KIRBY: Well, ya can't win 'em all, kid. But it was just Ant-Man, anyway.



THE END
This is my preliminary version of a fancomic script for Kim Arndt's great webcomic, _Moondog_. Please comment and tell me if it needs improvement!
Add a Comment:
 
:iconthirdpotato:
You've asked me to crit this, though I'm not familiar with the characters or how well you are staying true to them, or their dialogue. The dialogue reads okay, but a lot of it is just them declaring what they're already doing visually in the panels. The point of comics is to tell a story visually, and the dialogue adds a seasoning to it. If the characters are just declaring what they're visually doing in the panel, then it's an unecessary use of dialogue. Instead, try to write in a more creative way. Instead of having the character say "what are you doing." "Im drawing herms." Think of other things he might be saying, that will imply how he -feels- about what he's drawing, at the same time as answering the character. "Whoring myself out for a $500 freakin-dollar picture of ant-man."
"What? .......... But it's only ant man" (repetition adds humor, especially when reversed on the character)
"It's Jack Kirby's Ant-Man! And if I want it, I gotta draw dick-shitting nipple girls, dammit!"

Also the character's reaction shouldn't just be a simple followup question, rather a reaction that relates to the character's personality and how they, specifically would react, not just how any person would react to it. For instance, is Kat offended at that? Is she a feminist in any regard? Or is she just as perverted and would want to see?
It all comes from knowing the characters inside and out to be able to write from their perspective.

So far all the characters have the same 'voice,' Except Moon who seems to curse slightly more. But consider making them more unique to the character, speaking in a way that makes them defineable.

Good luck!
What do you think?
The Artist thought this was FAIR
20 out of 21 deviants thought this was fair.

The Artist has requested Critique on this Artwork

Please sign up or login to post a critique.

:iconsinyx:
sinyx Featured By Owner Nov 11, 2012  Professional Filmographer
First off, kudos on a great premise for a MoonDog story. Fits into the universe perfectly and lots of comedy potential, which you've shown with a fun, fast paced script. You've gotten a lot of good critique here and it looks like you've already implemented some earlier comments into a newer draft. I'll second pretty much everything that Fyuvix has said about how the visuals and dialogue should work with the comics medium. Show, don't tell. And if you've shown it, there's no need to restate exactly what we're seeing anyway. Use that dialogue to show your character's emotional state within the scene and push the funny.

Speaking of characters, I'd try to make sure I was keeping true to the personality of each one. Some seem a tad off, but that could always come down to me as a writer not conveying what I picture in my head as well in my own comics. For example, the offended feminist role Kat is portraying right now is more in line with how Giselle would react in this situation. Kat's our resident Deadpan Snarker and would probably spend most of the story zinging Moon with a string of one liners pointing out the death of his artistic career, culminating it all with an observation on how he's gotten some far out fetish act wrong in a drawing, in which Moon would shocking ask "Wait, how do you even know that?!"

!Evfan257 has a good point about the formatting. Comic scripts are a little different than screenplays and from what I've seen, systems vary from writer to writer (For example - I don't even write a script for MoonDog and prefer to go straight to thumbnails, but will write a script for a longer form story). Many have a breakdown of panels to page. Here's a website with a couple of examples if you're interested in doing more of this in the future: [link]

Lastly, make sure you check your details if you're dealing with real world instances. The first thing that threw me out of the story was a $500 Kirby page. I think you need to add a zero or two to that price! The general public wouldn't know this info, but any geek who gets the Kirby angle to begin with would know this is off. Plus, Moon slaving to make 5K+ is funnier than $500. If you're gonna go big, go BIG! You could even make it "Tales to Astonish" and get in a panel or two of Moon geeking out on some long winded history of the entire Ant-Man storyline that no one else gives a crap about. Details can add a lot to your characters and the humor of their situation.

Also, the repeating Ant-Man joke cracked me up. Probably because that's my usual reaction to Ant-Man! And the fact that I just got my boyfriend this... [link]
Reply
:iconredfoxbennaton:
Redfoxbennaton Featured By Owner Oct 5, 2011  Student Traditional Artist
I cringed.
Reply
:iconevfan257:
Evfan257 Featured By Owner Aug 29, 2011  Hobbyist Writer
Thank you very much for submitting this to :iconwriterscritiqueguild:. :)

Let me start by saying that, even though I don't know the webcomic, I greatly enjoyed the script, and got a pretty good sense of them.

The dialogue was well-paced and funny, as well.

The all-caps parts of the script were a bit startling, but I understand why they were that way.

All the questions I had got answered, except one: not knowing the webcomic, how do these guys and what they're doing fit into that universe and its schema?

The only thing I have in the way of "polish" is perhaps working on the format a bit. It's perfectly fine as-is, I think, but putting it in a real script format (which is admittedly a pain in the ass; I've done it) would add even more to it.

Overall, I really enjoyed it, and it's made me curious about the original webcomic. :)

Again, thank you for submitting it. :)
Reply
:iconstavner:
stavner Featured By Owner Aug 29, 2011  Student Writer
You're welcome!

The comic: moondog.tripshotpress.com
Reply
:iconkyteglory:
KyteGlory Featured By Owner Jul 29, 2011
I wonder about the economy of events here. If this comic is all about Moondog doing dirty work to buy Jack Kirby original only to have them destroyed immediately thereafter, then why are the first five pages of this twenty-page comic devoted to Moondog and Topher arguing about their different tastes in comics, and the next five pages after that devoted to how unhelpful Moondog's boss is? It's entirely irrelevant to the point of the comic. If cut off the entire first half of the comic and started on page eleven, when Moondog is actually working to buy original, then you would still have everything that needs to be in there. Have you considered doing just that?
Reply
:iconstavner:
stavner Featured By Owner Jul 30, 2011  Student Writer
I cut the part with Moondog and Topher's discussion. The other part you suggested cutting explains why Moondog can't just borrow money from his boss, and sets up his predicament: he has to draw porn for his boss, who is a pig version of Al Goldstein of Screw magazine.
Reply
:iconcanadianbacons:
canadianbacons Featured By Owner Nov 19, 2007
classic fan boy/comic monger fic. nice, though it needs more detail and "complications".
Reply
:iconlobo-solitario13:
LOBO-SOLITARIO13 Featured By Owner Mar 26, 2007   Traditional Artist
Love the ending, kinda simple, but remember the movie "stranger than fiction"
Sometimes simplicity is the best ending, and also it holds the irony of moondog, so i love it, also dont try to make me love your work, like change it, you should try to stik to your style (which is really good) and the only thing that is missing whit you (also myself included) is to grab "colmillo" mexican slang for a bit of experience, cause is hard to stay true to some one else story and style, but you did it.

So im tryng to do the ending of moondog current story, but im goona pass it to you before i said its done, cuse i have the idea , but not the how to put it, we both know that kat is gonna be a temporal roomate at moon, and im still stump in dialog, im gonna send you this week or maybe next the "script" if you like to call a napking whit doodles, to tell me what is missing, cause , personally i consider you a good writher, so as a fellow writher, i would like your help in this problem of mine

Till next time
PS Do another storie cause we have become moondog junkies
Nos vemos amigo
Sincerily Oscar Garcia
Reply
:iconstavner:
stavner Featured By Owner Mar 28, 2007  Student Writer
That's fine. How do you know she'll room with Moon?
Reply
:iconstavner:
stavner Featured By Owner Mar 26, 2007  Student Writer
Thanks for the fav!
Reply
:iconlobo-solitario13:
LOBO-SOLITARIO13 Featured By Owner Feb 1, 2007   Traditional Artist
The comic was good, moondog good but, it was missing something,and if you ask me i don't know, problaby you felt it too, personally to me Topher is not that much of an idiot, so you shouldln't make him that moronic, the ending could run to many directions if Tohper wasn't that dumb, but still get moondog on trouble, and thanks to that trouble he loses that comic. example. Topher makes moon owe some bookies money and loses the comic to a yupi dad and a slobering, cheeto infested hands kid.

This is your comic. I don't want to impose myself in it. Because 2 persons maybe think the same, but not always. I did enjoy your story i give it 3 out of 4 chido complements (chido = cool) Im the guy from the message board Oscar also a moondog fan. maybe im gonna make a story too, like yourself i want to make and ode to Moondog.

Keep the good work and keep getting better

Best whishes
Oscar Garcia
Reply
:iconstavner:
stavner Featured By Owner Feb 2, 2007  Student Writer
Thanks for the critique! I'll change the ending so Topher isn't so dumb, but I'll do it differently from yours!
Reply
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January 28, 2007
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