We open on a little campfire in the woods outside South Park. Kyle, Stan, and Butters are sitting around the campfire warming their hands by the fire. Cartman is sitting some distance away eating all the marshmallows.
Kyle: This was a great idea camping out here, Stan! Why dont we tell scary stories! Hey fatass, let us have some marshmallows!
Cartman: Okay you guys, how about a chocolate marshmallow? Oh, and Im not fat at all.
Cartman gives Kyle a brown spotted marshmallow.
Kyle put the marshmallow on a stick and roasts the marshmallow over the fire. He looks at the marshmallow for a second and sniffs it.
Kyle: Ew! Cartman, this smells like crap! Did you put this up your butt?
Cartman: Now now, a good chef never reveals his secrets!
Kyle: Gross! I really hate that kid!
Stan: Hey, Kyle, Ive got an idea....
Stan whispers into Kyles ear.
Kyle: Okay everybody, gather round! Time for scary stories!
Butters: Oh, I hope they arent too scary!
Kyle: Okay, Ill start! My story isnt about ghosts, or vampires, or anything supernatural like that! Its about a little boy just like one of us
Kyle glares at Cartman
especially like one of us, who had a little problem with his appetite! I call this story:
Attack of the Fifty-Foot Fatass!
Cartman: Wait a minute.
Kyle: My story begins late one night in a little town like ours, in the kitchen of a little house just like one of ours....
Inside the Cartman kitchen. Cartman, in his pajamas, sneaks in for a midnight snack. Mr. Kitty is nearby, eating.
Cartman: Man, sides of beef just dont fill me up at all! Maybe there are a few cows or two in the fridge!
Cartman opens fridge and looks inside. There isnt anything at all in the fridge except a box of baking soda.
Cartman: Hey, this looks good!
Cartman pours the whole box of baking soda down his throat, coughs, then swallows. Then he eats the box.
Cartman: That wasnt too good or filling! I wonder if Mr. Kitty has some food?
Cartman goes over to Mr. Kittys dish and starts eating some of her food.
Kitty: Hiss! Rowr!
Cartman: No, kitty, this is myoh, I dont have time for this!
Cartman grabs Mr. Kitty and starts stuffing her feet first into his mouth.
Kitty: ROWWRRRRER! YOWWLL!
Mr. Kitty starts scratching Cartman all over his face, but Cartman still keeps gulping the cat down. Mr. Kitty slowly disappears into Cartmans mouth and down his throat.
Kitty: [muffled yowling]
Cartman: Hey, that was actually kinda filling!
Loud female scream off camera. Cartman turns around and sees his mom screaming.
Mrs. Cartman: Sweetie! What have you done?
Cartman: I-I was just havin a little snack, thats all.
Mrs. Cartman: You ate the cat!
Cartman: Mom, I didnt exactly eat the cat, I swallowed him! You only eat somethin when you chew it up! Mr. Kittys inside my stomach right now, see?
Mr. Kitty: [muffled yowling from inside Cartmans stomach]
Mrs. Cartman: Thats it! Your appetite has gotten completely out of control! Tomorrow Im taking you to the doctor to get your stomach stapled!
Cartmans stomach growls.
Cartman: Mom, dont do that! I like eatin stuff! In fact....
Cartmans stomach growls louder.
Cartman: I can show you just how much fun it really is!
Cartman grabs his Mom and shoves her into his mouth feet first.
Mrs. Cartman: No, poopsie-kins!
Cut to shot outside Cartmans house, then back in the kitchen. Cartmans stomach is bulging more, and he looks a little bigger.
Cartman: Ahh! Thanks for makin me the way I am, Momma! I wonder what else there is to eat!
Outside shot of Cartmans house. A hole appears in the house, then the house begins to collapse on itself. Finally we see that Cartman is sucking the house into his mouth!
Cartman: Aah, a meal on the house!
Cartman walks down the street looking for food. Kenny comes up to him.
Kenny: [hey fatass, you got any spare food?]
Cartman: Why, yes Kenny, I do have some extra foodin my tummy!
Cartman grabs Kenny and starts stuffing him feet first down his throat.
Kenny: [hey, what are you doing? Noooo!]
Kyle and Stan are walking down the street, carrying cameras. Sparky, Stans dog, is following along
Stan: Kyle, do you really think Hugh Jackman haunts Old Man Johnsons farm?
Kyle: Sure there is, and we can take a picture of him if we go late at
Kyle stops, then Stan stops. Kyle looks absolutely stunned.
Stan: What is it, dude?
Kennys feet disappear down Cartmans throat
Stan: Oh my God!
Cartman: Hi you guys! Do you have any spare food on you!
Kyle: Uh, no Cartman!
Cartman: Fine, then Ill just have toeat Stans dog!
Cartman grabs Sparky and starts swallowing him. Sparky poops all over the place.
Kyle: Come on dude, or were next!
Stan starts crying.
Stan: My dog, he ate my dog!
Kyle and Stan run away. Cartman looks even bigger than before.
Cartman walks up to peoples houses and starts eating them. He keeps growing with every house he eats, until he grows half as big as a house.
Cartman comes up to Butters house.
Cartman: Fee fi fo fum, open the door or Ill blow you down!
Butters father pushes Butters out the door.
Butters father: Go on son, tell your friend to go away!
Butters: Uh, hi, Cartman.
Cartman: Hi, Butters!
Butters: Uh, my dad says you shouldnt eat our house or us.
Cartman: Youre a good person, Butters. In fact, youre gob-nobbity good! Let me show you how good!
Cartman grabs Butters and starts swallowing him.
Butters: Oh well, at least my day cant get any worse.
Cartman bites Butters in half.
Butters: Aw, fuck.
Cartman swallows the rest of Butters. By now hes as big as a house!
Cartman eats Butters house, then marches off toward town.
Kyle and Stan are still running.
Kyle: Weve gotta get to the police station! Then theyve gotta call the National Guard to take care of Cartman!
Kyle and Stan stop at the police station. Stan looks off camera.
Stan: Uh, dude....
Cartman picks up the police station and pours all the cops inside into his mouth.
Cops: Aaah! Whoa! Ow!
The last cop falls out of the building, but hes hanging on to a telephone receiver.
Last cop: Someone get the army out here! Aaaaagh!
The desk the phone is on comes out, hits the cop, and sends him into Cartmans mouth.
Cartman then gobbles up the police station and rubs his tummy.
Cartman: More foooood!
The army arrives on the outskirts of town. Kyle and Stan show up.
Kyle: Wow, were glad to see you guys!
Army officer: Can you boys tell us how this happened?
Stan: We dont know sir, Cartman seemed like he was too hungry to ever be satisfied!
Kyle: And his ass just keeps on getting bigger!
A scientist shows up.
Scientist: This boy appears to be the worlds biggest fatass! There hasnt been a fatass like him since Elvis was alive! At this rate, he will eat the entire universe in a matter of days!
Army officer: My God! Is there any way to stop this kid?
Scientist: The only thing that could stop him is a pound of dynamite! But we need someone small enough to slide down his throat to put it his stomach! Once we detonate it, the fatass will explode!
Kyle and Stan: We can do it! We hate that kid!
Kyle and Stan are tied together with rope. K is holding a package of dynamite.
Kyle: Lets go!
A helicopter lifts up Kyle and Stan and carries them toward Cartman.
Cartman: Must eat you guys!
Stan: Here we go!
Kyle and Stan enter Cartmans mouth. The background changes to an endoscopic image of someones real esophagus.
Then Kyle and Stan enter Cartmans stomach, a gigantic cavern of flesh filled with peoples houses.
Kyle and Stan land on Cartmans house. Mrs. Cartman is on the roof.
Mrs. Cartman: Hello boys.
Kyle and Stan: Hello maam.
Kyle: Wow, you guys havent been digested yet?
Mrs. Cartman: No, not all of us. My little fluffykins was just a little too hungry, thats all.
Shot of half-digested Kenny floating in Cartmans stomach.
Shot of Butterss family on the front porch of their house with the top half of Butters.
Butterss father: Youre grounded, boy!
Kyle: Okay everybody, get ready! Well get you out of here in a jiffy!
Kyle throws the dynamite into Cartmans stomach water.
Kyle: Okay, were ready to go!
Kyle tugs on the line, then Kyle and Stan are pulled out of Cartmans stomach.
Kyle and Stan are hanging onto the line from helicopter. The helicopter flies away from the giant Cartman.
Cartman: Hey! Im still hungry you
Loud rumbling noise from Cartman.
Cartman explodes in a shower of blood and fat! Everybody he ate, and their houses, fly through the air and land right back where they were before. The houses land in exactly the same places they did before, and the people land right in front of their houses! Everybody cheers!
Back to the campfire. Kyle is finishing up the story. The other characters are listening intently. Cartman is angry.
Kyle: And that was the end of the fifty-foot fatass!
All kids except Cartman: Hooray!
Cartman: Ey! Were you tellin that story about me!
Stan: No, Cartman! Kyle was talking about some other kid.
Kyle: Another kid who has a kitty and a mom? Who lives in our town? Who has a healthy appetite, and is big-boned?
Kyle: Yeah! Another kid just like that!
Cartman: Oh! Okay!
PART IIJIMMYS GENIE
Kyle: Okay, who else has a story?
Stan: I do!
Cartman: Just dont make this one about me, okay? Id hate to moon you guys right now!
Kyle, Stan, and Butters all look at Cartman.
Stan: Of course, Cartman. This story is about a little boy named Jimmy!
Cartman: Okay, good.
Stan: And what happened when he found....Jimmys genie!
Jimmy is walking down the street on his crutches, with Timmy in his wheelchair close behind.
Jimmy: Oh, what a nice day it is! I wonder what will happen to us today!
Jimmy hits an ornate bottle lying on the ground with one of his crutches and sends it flying.
Jimmy: What was that?
The bottle lands on the ground. The top pops off and pink and purple smoke come out!
The smoke forms itself into Big Gay Al in a genie costume!
Al: Whoa-O, glad to be out of there!
Jimmy: Wow! A genie!
Al: Im super, thanks for asking! Thanks for freeing me from that lamp! I will give three wishes to whomever holds my bottle!
Jimmy: Okay, umm..I wish that I were no longer disabled!
Al: You got it!
Al waves his hands and starts reciting magic words.
Al: Moda-ho, moda-hey, make this boys disability go away!
Magic energy swirls around Jimmy. He begins to get shorter, and his body takes on the proportions of a normal kid. He drops his crutches.
Jimmy: W-w-wow, this is a-a-a-....
Jimmy becomes a normal kid as the magic energy disappears.
Jimmy: Amazing! Okay, now do Timmy!
Al waves his hands again.
Al: Moda-hey, moda-air, get this kid out of his wheelchair!
Magic energy swirls around Timmy. He begins to grow, taking on normal proportions.
Timmy: Timmy? Tim-timah, Tim, Tim....
Timmy is now normal.
Timmy: Im Timmy! My name is Timmy!
Al: There, done!
Jimmy: Wow, how wonderful! Now people wont make fun of us anymore! I can hardly wait to see what the kids at school will say!
Shot of the school, then in the school halls. All the kids are standing around the new Jimmy and Timmy.
Kids: Whoa, cool, etc.
Cartman comes in.
Cartman: Hey you guys! Would you like to know what a douchebag Jon Stewart is?
None of the kids pay attention to him.
Cartman: Hey, you assholes! Pay attention to me! I need your attention!
Nobody pays attention.
Cartman: All right, who wants to know what the inside of my nose smells like? Right now, it smells kind of coppery!
Nobody pays any attention to Cartman at all. Cartman looks a little sad.
Stan: Nobody cares, fatso! Jimmy and Timmy just got over their disabilities!
Cartman: Oh, you guys! Thats ridiculous! Nobody can just get over being crippled!
Jimmy: Hello, Eric. Neither Timmy nor I are crippled, as you call it, any longer! We found a genie who grants wishes!
Cartman: Oh yeah? Well, I say these guys are fakes, and the real Jimmy, and the real Timmy, are still out there somewhere being pathetic wastes of flesh! I wish they were dead! Dead, you hear me, dead!
Cartman walks off. Everybody looks really mad. Then he comes right back to yell at everybody.
Cartman: And you can stuff your genie up your ass, retards!
Cartman walks off again. Jimmy gets an idea.
That night, Jimmy opens the bottle again, and Genie Al comes out.
Al: What is your last wish, oh awesome master?
Jimmy: I wish that, for one day, Eric Cartman would know what it is like to be disabled.
Al: Moda-ho, moda-lard, make Eric Cartman be a huge retard!
Shot of Cartmans house the next morning, then Cartman in his bed. He wakes up and walks over to his mirror.
Cartman: Wha, hoo, duh,....
He sees himself in the mirror. He looks the same as he did when he pretended to be retarded to win the Special Olympics.
Cartman: Huh? Im uh, uh, daiyeeeee.....
Mrs. Cartman is in the kitchen making breakfast. Cartman runs in.
Cartman: Ma! Ma! Look!
Mrs. Cartman: Wait for Mommy to finish, dear....
Then she sees Cartman and screams!
Mrs. Cartman and Cartman are at the doctors office. Cartman is on the examining table.
Doctor: Im afraid your son has...SOR, or Sudden Onset Retardation.
Mrs. Cartman: Oh, no!
Doctor: Yes, sometimes a child is born normal, but, several years later, he suddenly becomes retarded. That would be the only explanation for someone who wasnt retarded before suddenly becoming retarded. Ill give him a note so the school can send him to the Special Ed class.
Cartman: But, no, I dont wanna go to school with the retards....
Doctor: Thats for the school to decide, son.
Shot of the school, then the hallway. Cartman walks up to the other kids.
Cartman: You, you guys....
Stan: Wow, is that you, Cartman? I barely recognize you!
Cartman: Uh, I dunno guys, I woke up this morning, an I was a retard! The doctor said I hadda go to Special Ed! They got me playin with blocks in there!
Jimmy: Well now, Eric, how does it feel to be...disabled?
Cartman: It sucks!
Timmy: Well maybe now you wont make fun of the disabled anymore, right?
Cartman: Ill do anythin to make this go away!
Jimmy: Well, since you said that, maybe it will go away, if you say, Im sorry I was mean to the disabled a hundred times before you go to bed tonight.
Cartman: Okay, Okay, anything!
Cartman waddles away.
Stan: Dude, that genies awesome!
Jimmy: Yes, but now I have used up my three wishes. But, since the genie gives wishes to whomever holds the bottle, I will give each of you guys the chance to make a wish! Ill bring my bottle tomorrow!
Next day. The kids are in the hallway. Jimmy has the bottle in his hands. Token is standing right next to Jimmy.
Jimmy: Okay, whos first?
Cartman runs in. Jimmy hides the bottle.
Cartman: Jimmy, it worked! Im normal again!
Jimmy: I was right, wasnt I?
Cartman: Yeah, and now Ill just make fun of black people! Hey Token, youre on welfare and you could molest white women any moment!
Token is furious. Cartman looks around, expecting the other kids to laugh. They do not.
Cartman: Uh, anybody? Okay, bye!
Cartman walks off. Token reaches for the bottle.
Token: Ill go first.
Next day. Cartman is at the doctors again with his mother. Cartman is now black, with a huge Afro.
Doctor: Your son now has SOAASudden Onset African-Americanism.
Mrs. Cartman: Oh no!
Cartman: Hey, if Im black, how come I dont wanna rob liquor stores more than usual?
The school corridor. Cartman comes in to the other kids. Hes wearing a dashiki.
Cartman: What up you guys?
Stan: Hi, Cartman.
Cartman: Uh, yo, huh. I guess this happened because I made fun of Token, huh.
Cartman: And itll go away if I do something, huh.
Token: Yeah, if you go in front of the whole school and admit that youre fat.
Cartman: Hey, Im not fat!
Cartmans Afro frizzes up and grows bigger. Cartman looks up in horror.
Interior school auditorium. Cartman is on stage talking into a microphone in front of the whole school.
Cartman: Okay everyone.
Cartman sucks in his breath.
Cartman: I weigh 190 pounds, all of it fat. I am fat because I eat lots of fried foods and dont exercise. Are you happy now Token?
Token is in the audience smiling.
Cartman: I also promise never to make fun of black people againbut since Kyle isnt black, I can still make fun of him! Hes a stupid Jew who cant eat pork because hes a faggot!
Kyle is in the audience next to Jimmy. Kyle glares at Cartman and then looks at Jimmy.
Next day, at the doctors office. Cartman is once again seated on the exam table. Once again, the doctor and Mrs. Cartman look on. This time, Cartman has on a yarmulke, Jewish dreadlocks, and a big beard.
Doctor: I think I know whats really wrong with your son, Mrs. Cartman. Its a genie.
Mrs. Cartman: A-a genie?
Doctor: Yes, maam. Sometimes a child will find a bottle with a genie inside, and the genie will give him three wishes. Apparently, one of your sons schoolmates is using the genie to humiliate your son, possibly for making fun of minorities. Does your son have any enemies at school?
The school hallway. The kids are putting their books away. Cartman appears at the far end of the hall. Stan, Kyle, and Kenny turn to look at him.
Cartman: All right you guys, I know you have a genie! I know youve been turning me into things! Im gonna murder all of you!
Cartman pulls out a big knife!
Cartman: Die! Die! Die!
Cartman runs towards Stan, Kyle, and Jimmy. Kyle turns to Jimmy.
Stan: Oh my God, were gonna die!
Kyle: Jimmy, let me have the genie!
Jimmy gives Kyle the bottle. Kyle opens it, and Al comes out.
Al: What is your wish, master?
Kyle: I wish Eric Cartman was no longer Jewish!
Al: Moda-ho, moda-
Kyle: Just do it!
Al shoots magic at Cartman. Cartman returns to normal, but hes still running towards them with the knife.
Kyle: Okay, I wish Cartman had no bones!
Al zaps Cartman, whose body collapses when his bones disappear.
Cartman: Kll yh gyz....
Kyle: Darn, I just used up my last wish, and hes still coming!
Stan: Let me have him!
Kyle gives the bottle to Stan.
Stan: I wish Cartman had no muscle tissue!
Cartman stops moving.
Stan gives the bottle to Craig.
Craig: I wish he had worms!
Worms explode out of Cartmans ass.
Craig hands the bottle to another kid.
Kid: I wish he was made out of doo-doo!
Cartman turns into a pile of wormy crap!
All the kids hold their noses.
Kyle: Wish him away! Wish him anywhere but here!
Kid: I wish he were in a cornfield!
Cartman disappears. He reappears in the sky over a cornfield in Nebraska. He falls onto the cornfield, splattering crap everywhere!
Stan, voiceover: That fall, Nebraska had its best corn crop in history!
Shot of the kids in the school halls, happy that Cartman is gone.
Stan VO: And no one ever saw the fat kid again!
Shot of a corncob with Cartmans face.
Cut to the kids around the fire. Everybody laughs except Cartman.
Cartman: Okay, now that one had to be about me!
Kyle: How do you know that, Cartman? Neither of those stories mention your name at all!
Cartman: Oh, is that so? How about I tell a story?
Stan: Okay, shoot.
Cartman: Once upon a time, there were these four boys sitting around a campfire telling scary stories. Two of them told stories about one of the other boys, and, even though they didnt mention that boy by name, those stories made that boy so mad, he farted on them while they were sleeping! There, how do you like that!
Cartman is smiling, while the other boys are shocked.
Kyle: Those stories still werent about you.
Cartman: Okay, you guys.
Butters: C-can I tell a story?
Kyle: Okay, Butters.
Butters: This story is not about Eric at all! Its a story about a boy who gets trapped in a terrible situation, and theres only one way out of it!
Title card: Cartmans Calamity!
Its Cartmans birthday! Cartman and his mom are in the kitchen, where a cake rests on the kitchen table. Cartman is wearing a party hat and is all excited!
Mrs. Cartman: Happy birthday sweetie! The other kids will be here in just a minute!
Cartman: Kick ass!
All the other kids burst through the front door carrying presents.
Cartman: And there they are! Come over here with the presents, you guys!
The kids bring the presents to the table, where Cartman is seated.
Cartman: Lets see, now....
Cartman opens the first gift.
Cartman: Wow, a collection of summer sausages! Thank you, Wendy, help yourself to some apple pie!
Cartman opens another gift.
Cartman: Oh look, the most adorable canary!
Cartman stuffs the bird into his mouth and eats it!
Cartman: Thank you Token, have some ice cream cake!
Butters comes forward with his gift.
Cartman: Oh, what do you want?
Butters: Happy birthday Eric! I got you some DVDs of your favorite show!
Cartman: Wow, my favorite show!
Cartman begins opening Butters present.
Cartman: I havent seen an episode of Full House in...what.
A complete set of Family Guy DVDs is inside.
Butters: See, I figured that Family Guy would appeal to someone with your sense of humor....
Cartman leaps onto the table; fire comes roaring out of his ears and mouth!
Cartman: Butters, how dare you!
Mrs. Cartman: Now sweetie, remember what the doctor said about your temper! Now lets watch your new DVDs!
Cartman calms down.
Cartman: Aw, ma!
Everybody goes to the TV. Mrs. Cartman opens one of the Family Guy DVDs and puts it in the DVD player.
Family Guy title comes on the TV screen. Then, a shot of the FG characters in their livingroom.
Lois: Peter, I cant believe you didnt flush the toilet today!
Peter: You think thats bad, remember the time Steve Gutenberg telephoned me and played the White Album over the phone?
Shot of Steve Gutenberg doing just that. Back in the USSR is playing.
Cartman: You call that a joke?
Butters: Aw come on, Eric, let the show grow on ya!
Cartman: The only thing this show is growing on me is jock itch!
Mrs. Cartman looks out the window at some storm clouds.
Mrs. Cartman: Ooh, looks like rain!
Quagmire is on the TV screen talking to Peter.
Quagmire: Giggity-goo, I just got a shipment of hot chicks in from the Phillipines!
Cartman: Thats it, Im shutting this crap off!
Cartman walks over to the tv.
Butters: Aw, Cartmans an Indian giver!
Exterior Cartman house. Lightning strikes the tv antenna!
The lightning enters the tv and shocks Cartman! He flashes briefly, then disappears!
Mrs. Cartman: Eric!
Closeup of the tv screen. Cartman is now in the same scene as Quagmire and Peter!
Peter: Hey Quagmire, whos this butterball?
Quagmire: He kinda looks like Orson Welles and Telly Savalas had a kid!
Shot of Orson Welles in a hospital bed cradling a baby Cartman, with Telly Savalas looking on.
Welles: I shall name him Rosebud!
Cartman: Hey, what!
Peter: He must be our new cast member! Welcome aboard, kid!
Cartman: No, no!
Cartman runs up to the TV screen and bangs on it.
Cartman: You guys! Help me!
Next day. A TV repairman examines the TV set.
Repairman: Okay, it looks like your son suffered a freak accident and is now stuck inside Family Guy.
Mrs. Cartman: Oh, no!
Repairman: Yeah, it happens all the time with these new Blu-Rays. Anyway, I cant get your son out of there. Thats up to the Fox Network.
Repairman turns on the TV. Cartman is sitting on the couch along with the rest of the cast of the show, facing Peter.
Lois: Peter, I cant believe you ate all the marshmallows I was saving for dessert tonight!
Peter: You think thats bad, lets let our new cast member come up with something!
Everybody looks at Cartman. Cartman sighs.
Cartman: Okay. Remember the time Steve Gutenberg ate chips on our couch.
Shot of Steve Gutenberg eating chips on the couch.
Mrs. Cartman: Everythings going to be okay, Pootie-poo! Well call the Fox Network to get you out!
Repairman: But first, youve got to have sex with me to pay for the visit!
Mrs. Cartman: Okay, sweetie, after I do this!
Cartman sighs again.
Peter: That reminds me, Lois....
Cartman looks at the camera in sheer terror!
Next day. Fox executives are watching Family Guy on TV. Cartman is running around the house terrified because Stewie is chasing him with a chainsaw.
Stewie: How DARE you criticize Nathan Lane!
Cartman: Aaah! Aaaaaah! Save me from this crazy baby!
The Fox executives all laugh.
Exec 1: Its like a combination of a reality show AND a cartoon!
Exec 2: Its killing all our competitors in the ratings!
Exec 3: Thisll more than make up for canceling The Simpsons! Itll never go off the air!
Cartmans mom on the phone.
Cartmans Mom: Oh, okay.
She hangs up and turns to the TV.
Cartmans Mom: Sweetie, the network said they can only get you out of there if they cancel the show, and its too popular to ever be cancelled!
Cartman: What? What kind of bleep bleep is that! Hey! How come I cant swear anymore!
Cartmans Mom: Youre on network television, sweetie.
Cartman begins crying.
Cartman: You mean I cant ever swear! And Im stuck on this stupid program forever?
Cartmans Mom: Well, maybe not, if the human race and all of its TV shows are wiped out, but that could be millions of years in the future, sweetie.
Cartman really starts bawling!
Next day. Stan, Kyle, and Butters are watching Family Guy on Kyles TV and talking to Cartman.
Stan: Sorry youre stuck on Family Guy, dude.
Kyle: Im sorry hes on my favorite show, hes ruining it!
Butters: And theres no way Eric can ever get offa there?
Stan: Not unless the show gets cancelled, and this shows been on for years! It even came back after being cancelled before!
Kyle: The only way that show could ever get cancelled is if it got so bad, people would stop watching it!
Butters: Maybe if Eric offended a lotta people, then theyd stop watching the show!
Cartman on screen: Thats it, Butters! Youre not as dumb as people say you are!
Butters, Aw, gee, thanks!
Family Guy comes on again. Everybody but Cartman is sitting on the couch in front of Peter.
Lois: Peter, I cant believe you joined the Ku Klux Klan willingly!
Peter: You think thats bad
Cartman runs into the living room naked. Everything offensive is blocked out.
Cartman: Hey you guys, look! You can see my privates! I guess youll have to cancel the show now, huh?
Peter: Nobody can see anything, kid, this is network TV! Now, as I was saying, Remember the time John Stamos gave me VD?
Next episode. Peter, Quagmire, and Cleveland are in the Drunken Clam having beers.
Quagmire: I hear Hawaiian women are pretty hot.
Cleveland: Id agree with you if I ever cared about anything.
Peter: You think thats bad!
Cartman comes in the Drunken Clam.
Cartman: Hey, you guys! A minor in a bar, thats pretty offensive, isnt it?
Peter: Not as offensive as Dave Coulier bleep bleep bleep!
Peter, Quagmire, and Cleveland all laugh. Cartman starts crying.
Butters is watching the show on TV.
Butters: Aw, somebody should help him!
Shot of the school library doorway. Inside the library, Butters is looking through a book called Television Reality.
Butters: Hmm, Best Ways to Get a TV Show Cancelled.
Next day. Family Guy is on again. Peter is dancing an Irish jig dressed as an IRA terrorist.
Peter: Erin go boom!
Cartman is right next to him, wearing a green dress. He looks very sick and pale.
Cartman: I, I cant take this anymore. So much lame writing, cant survive much longer, need funny.
Butters comes up to the TV with the book he was reading.
Cartman: Butters! Its all your fault Im in here! How else are you gonna torture me!
Butters: Hey Eric, I just found out that the best way to get a TV show cancelled is for the characters on the show to do drugs and not suffer any bad consequences!
Cartman: And Peters growing marijuana in the basement! You know Butters, Im sorry for all the times I was ever mean to you.
Butters: Aw shucks, Eric.
Cartman goes into the Griffins basement. The marijuana is growing under a fluorescent lamp.
Cartman grabs a handful and begins rolling it up.
The Griffin family is in their regular pose, with the family facing Peter.
Lois: Peter, I cant believe
Cartman comes in smoking a joint.
Cartman: Hey you guys.
All the other characters stare at him in fear.
Peter: NO KID, NO!
All of a sudden, the entire screen, except for Cartman, melts like film caught in the projector!
Cartman: Hah! That got rid of those bastards! Now, when I get back to reality, Im gonna kill you, Butters! For real!
Cartman suddenly appears in a kitchensurrounded by the cast of Drawn Together.
Cartman: What the hell?
Captain Hero: Toots about to have a diarrhea flood, everyone!
Toot, offscreen: Oopsy-Tootsy!
Diarrhea floods the screen.
Back to the campfire as Butters finishes his story.
Butters: And that was the end of the fat kid!
Cartman throws down the bag of marshmallows and walks over to Butters. He smacks Butters in the mouth.
Cartman: What was that all about, huh, Butters? Why did you end the story with the fat kid going on Drawn Together?
Butters rubs his mouth.
Butters: Uh, I just thought thatd be a funny ending, thats all!
Cartman: But you didnt set it up properly, Butters! It looks completely random, just like on Family Guy! Im gonna tell everybody at school tomorrow that you tell stories like a manatee!
Kyle: Yeah, Butters, that really ruins the story.
Stan: Come on, Kyle, lets go home.
All the kids except Butters walk off.
Butters: Gee, I wish I were better all tellin stories.
Peter walks up to Butters.
Peter: Dont bother kid, look at me!
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