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We open on a little campfire in the woods outside South Park.  Kyle, Stan, and Butters are sitting around the campfire warming their hands by the fire.  Cartman is sitting some distance away eating all the marshmallows.

Kyle: This was a great idea camping out here, Stan!  Why don’t we tell scary stories!  Hey fatass, let us have some marshmallows!

Cartman: Okay you guys, how about a chocolate marshmallow?  Oh, and I’m not fat at all.

Cartman gives Kyle a brown spotted marshmallow.

Kyle: Chocolate?

Kyle put the marshmallow on a stick and roasts the marshmallow over the fire.  He looks at the marshmallow for a second and sniffs it.

Kyle: Ew!  Cartman, this smells like crap!  Did you put this up your butt?

Cartman: Now now, a good chef never reveals his secrets!

Kyle: Gross!  I really hate that kid!

Stan: Hey, Kyle, I’ve got an idea....

Stan whispers into Kyle’s ear.

Kyle: Okay everybody, gather round!  Time for scary stories!

Butters: Oh, I hope they aren’t too scary!

Kyle: Okay, I’ll start!  My story isn’t about ghosts, or vampires, or anything supernatural like that!  It’s about a little boy just like one of us–

Kyle glares at Cartman–

especially like one of us, who had a little problem with his appetite!  I call this story:

Attack of the Fifty-Foot Fatass!

Cartman: Wait a minute.

Kyle: My story begins late one night in a little town like ours, in the kitchen of a little house just like one of ours....

Inside the Cartman kitchen.  Cartman, in his pajamas, sneaks in for a midnight snack.  Mr. Kitty is nearby, eating.

Cartman: Man, sides of beef just don’t fill me up at all!  Maybe there are a few cows or two in the fridge!

Cartman opens fridge and looks inside.  There isn’t anything at all in the fridge except a box of baking soda.  

Cartman: Hey, this looks good!

Cartman pours the whole box of baking soda down his throat, coughs, then swallows.  Then he eats the box.

Cartman: That wasn’t too good or filling!  I wonder if Mr. Kitty has some food?

Cartman goes over to Mr. Kitty’s dish and starts eating some of her food.

Kitty: Hiss! Rowr!

Cartman: No, kitty, this is my–oh, I don’t have time for this!

Cartman grabs Mr. Kitty and starts stuffing her feet first into his mouth.  


Mr. Kitty starts scratching Cartman all over his face, but Cartman still keeps gulping the cat down.  Mr. Kitty slowly disappears into Cartman’s mouth and down his throat.

Kitty: [muffled yowling]

Cartman: Hey, that was actually kinda filling!

Loud female scream off camera.  Cartman turns around and sees his mom screaming.

Mrs. Cartman: Sweetie!  What have you done?  

Cartman: I-I was just havin’ a little snack, that’s all.

Mrs. Cartman: You ate the cat!

Cartman: Mom, I didn’t exactly eat the cat, I swallowed him!  You only eat somethin’ when you chew it up!  Mr. Kitty’s inside my stomach right now, see?

Mr. Kitty: [muffled yowling from inside Cartman’s stomach]

Mrs. Cartman: That’s it!  Your appetite has gotten completely out of control!  Tomorrow I’m taking you to the doctor to get your stomach stapled!

Cartman’s stomach growls.

Cartman: Mom, don’t do that!  I like eatin’ stuff!  In fact....

Cartman’s stomach growls louder.

Cartman: I can show you just how much fun it really is!

Cartman grabs his Mom and shoves her into his mouth feet first.

Mrs. Cartman: No, poopsie-kins!

Cut to shot outside Cartman’s house, then back in the kitchen.  Cartman’s stomach is bulging more, and he looks a little bigger.

Cartman: Ahh!  Thanks for makin’ me the way I am, Momma!  I wonder what else there is to eat!

Outside shot of Cartman’s house.  A hole appears in the house, then the house begins to collapse on itself.  Finally we see that Cartman is sucking the house into his mouth!

Cartman: Aah, a meal on the house!

Cartman walks down the street looking for food.  Kenny comes up to him.

Kenny: [hey fatass, you got any spare food?]

Cartman: Why, yes Kenny, I do have some extra food–in my tummy!

Cartman grabs Kenny and starts stuffing him feet first down his throat.

Kenny: [hey, what are you doing?  Noooo!]

Kyle and Stan are walking down the street, carrying cameras.  Sparky, Stan’s dog, is following along

Stan: Kyle, do you really think Hugh Jackman haunts Old Man Johnson’s farm?

Kyle: Sure there is, and we can take a picture of him if we go late at–

Kyle stops, then Stan stops.  Kyle looks absolutely stunned.

Stan: What is it, dude?

Kenny’s feet disappear down Cartman’s throat

Stan: Oh my God!

Cartman: Hi you guys!  Do you have any spare food on you!

Kyle: Uh, no Cartman!

Cartman: Fine, then I’ll just have to–eat Stan’s dog!

Cartman grabs Sparky and starts swallowing him.  Sparky poops all over the place.


Kyle: Come on dude, or we’re next!

Stan starts crying.

Stan: My dog, he ate my dog!

Kyle and Stan run away.  Cartman looks even bigger than before.

Cartman walks up to peoples’ houses and starts eating them.  He keeps growing with every house he eats, until he grows half as big as a house.

Cartman comes up to Butter’s house.

Cartman: Fee fi fo fum, open the door or I’ll blow you down!

Butter’s father pushes Butters out the door.

Butter’s father: Go on son, tell your friend to go away!

Butters: Uh, hi, Cartman.

Cartman: Hi, Butters!  

Butters: Uh, my dad says you shouldn’t eat our house or us.

Cartman: You’re a good person, Butters.  In fact, you’re gob-nobbity good!  Let me show you how good!

Cartman grabs Butters and starts swallowing him.

Butters: Oh well, at least my day can’t get any worse.

Cartman bites Butters in half.

Butters: Aw, fuck.

Cartman swallows the rest of Butters.  By now he’s as big as a house!

Cartman: Fooooood!

Cartman eats Butter’s house, then marches off toward town.

Kyle and Stan are still running.

Kyle: We’ve gotta get to the police station!  Then they’ve gotta call the National Guard to take care of Cartman!

Kyle and Stan stop at the police station.  Stan looks off camera.

Stan: Uh, dude....

Cartman picks up the police station and pours all the cops inside into his mouth.

Cops: Aaah!  Whoa!  Ow!

The last cop falls out of the building, but he’s hanging on to a telephone receiver.

Last cop: Someone get the army out here! Aaaaagh!

The desk the phone is on comes out, hits the cop, and sends him into Cartman’s mouth.

Cartman then gobbles up the police station and rubs his tummy.
Cartman: More foooood!

The army arrives on the outskirts of town.  Kyle and Stan show up.

Kyle: Wow, we’re glad to see you guys!

Army officer: Can you boys tell us how this happened?

Stan: We don’t know sir, Cartman seemed like he was too hungry to ever be satisfied!

Kyle: And his ass just keeps on getting bigger!

A scientist shows up.

Scientist: This boy appears to be the world’s biggest fatass!  There hasn’t been a fatass like him since Elvis was alive!  At this rate, he will eat the entire universe in a matter of days!

Army officer: My God!  Is there any way to stop this kid?

Scientist: The only thing that could stop him is a pound of dynamite!  But we need someone small enough to slide down his throat to put it his stomach!  Once we detonate it, the fatass will explode!

Kyle and Stan: We can do it!  We hate that kid!

Kyle and Stan are tied together with rope.  K is holding a package of dynamite.

Kyle: Let’s go!

A helicopter lifts up Kyle and Stan and carries them toward Cartman.

Cartman: Must eat you guys!

Stan: Here we go!

Kyle and Stan enter Cartman’s mouth.  The background changes to an endoscopic image of someone’s real esophagus.

Then Kyle and Stan enter Cartman’s stomach, a gigantic cavern of flesh filled with peoples’ houses.

Kyle and Stan land on Cartman’s house.  Mrs. Cartman is on the roof.

Mrs. Cartman: Hello boys.

Kyle and Stan: Hello ma’am.

Kyle: Wow, you guys haven’t been digested yet?

Mrs. Cartman: No, not all of us.  My little fluffykins was just a little too hungry, that’s all.

Shot of half-digested Kenny floating in Cartman’s stomach.

Shot of Butters’s family on the front porch of their house with the top half of Butters.

Butters’s father: You’re grounded, boy!

Butters: Shucks.

Kyle: Okay everybody, get ready!  We’ll get you out of here in a jiffy!

Kyle throws the dynamite into Cartman’s stomach water.

Kyle: Okay, we’re ready to go!

Kyle tugs on the line, then Kyle and Stan are pulled out of Cartman’s stomach.

Kyle and Stan are hanging onto the line from helicopter.  The helicopter flies away from the giant Cartman.

Cartman: Hey! I’m still hungry you—

Loud rumbling noise from Cartman.

Cartman: Uh-oh.

Cartman explodes in a shower of blood and fat!  Everybody he ate, and their houses, fly through the air and land right back where they were before.  The houses land in exactly the same places they did before, and the people land right in front of their houses!  Everybody cheers!

Back to the campfire.  Kyle is finishing up the story.  The other characters are listening intently.  Cartman is angry.

Kyle: And that was the end of the fifty-foot fatass!

All kids except Cartman: Hooray!

Cartman: Ey!  Were you tellin’ that story about me!

Stan: No, Cartman!  Kyle was talking about some other kid.

Kyle: Another kid who has a kitty and a mom?  Who lives in our town?  Who has a healthy appetite, and is big-boned?

Kyle: Yeah!  Another kid just like that!

Cartman: Oh! Okay!


Kyle: Okay, who else has a story?

Stan: I do!

Cartman: Just don’t make this one about me, okay?  I’d hate to moon you guys right now!

Kyle, Stan, and Butters all look at Cartman.

Stan: Of course, Cartman.  This story is about a little boy named Jimmy!

Cartman: Okay, good.

Stan: And what happened when he found....Jimmy’s genie!

Jimmy is walking down the street on his crutches, with Timmy in his wheelchair close behind.

Jimmy: Oh, what a nice day it is!  I wonder what will happen to us today!

Timmy: Timmy!

Jimmy hits an ornate bottle lying on the ground with one of his crutches and sends it flying.

Jimmy: What was that?

Timmy: Timmy?

The bottle lands on the ground.  The top pops off and pink and purple smoke come out!

Jimmy: Whoa!

The smoke forms itself into Big Gay Al in a genie costume!

Al: Whoa-O, glad to be out of there!

Jimmy: Wow! A genie!

Al: I’m super, thanks for asking!  Thanks for freeing me from that lamp!  I will give  three wishes to whomever holds my bottle!

Jimmy: Okay, umm..I wish that I were no longer disabled!

Al: You got it!

Al waves his hands and starts reciting magic words.

Al: Moda-ho, moda-hey, make this boy’s disability go away!

Magic energy swirls around Jimmy.  He begins to get shorter, and his body takes on the proportions of a normal kid.  He drops his crutches.

Jimmy: W-w-wow, this is a-a-a-....

Jimmy becomes a normal kid as the magic energy disappears.

Jimmy: Amazing!  Okay, now do Timmy!

Al waves his hands again.

Al: Moda-hey, moda-air, get this kid out of his wheelchair!

Magic energy swirls around Timmy.  He begins to grow, taking on normal proportions.

Timmy: Timmy?  Tim-timah, Tim, Tim....

Timmy is now normal.

Timmy: I’m Timmy!  My name is Timmy!

Al: There, done!

Jimmy: Wow, how wonderful!  Now people won’t make fun of us anymore!  I can hardly wait to see what the kids at school will say!

Shot of the school, then in the school halls.  All the kids are standing around the new Jimmy and Timmy.

Kids: Whoa, cool, etc.

Cartman comes in.

Cartman: Hey you guys!  Would you like to know what a douchebag Jon Stewart is?

None of the kids pay attention to him.

Cartman: Hey, you assholes!  Pay attention to me!  I need your attention!

Nobody pays attention.

Cartman: All right, who wants to know what the inside of my nose smells like?  Right now, it smells kind of coppery!

Nobody pays any attention to Cartman at all.  Cartman looks a little sad.

Stan: Nobody cares, fatso!  Jimmy and Timmy just got over their disabilities!

Cartman: Oh, you guys!  That’s ridiculous!  Nobody can just get over being crippled!

Jimmy: Hello, Eric.  Neither Timmy nor I are “crippled,” as you call it, any longer!  We found a genie who grants wishes!

Cartman: Oh yeah?  Well, I say these guys are fakes, and the real Jimmy, and the real Timmy, are still out there somewhere being pathetic wastes of flesh!  I wish they were dead!  Dead, you hear me, dead!

Cartman walks off.  Everybody looks really mad.  Then he comes right back to yell at everybody.

Cartman: And you can stuff your genie up your ass, retards!

Cartman walks off again.  Jimmy gets an idea.

That night, Jimmy opens the bottle again, and Genie Al comes out.

Al: What is your last wish, oh awesome master?

Jimmy: I wish that, for one day, Eric Cartman would know what it is like to be disabled.

Al: Moda-ho, moda-lard, make Eric Cartman be a huge retard!

Shot of Cartman’s house the next morning, then Cartman in his bed.  He wakes up and walks over to his mirror.

Cartman: Wha, hoo, duh,....

He sees himself in the mirror.  He looks the same as he did when he pretended to be retarded to win the Special Olympics.

Cartman: Huh?  I’m uh, uh, daiyeeeee.....

Mrs. Cartman is in the kitchen making breakfast.  Cartman runs in.

Cartman: Ma!  Ma!  Look!

Mrs. Cartman: Wait for Mommy to finish, dear....

Then she sees Cartman and screams!

Mrs. Cartman and Cartman are at the doctor’s office.  Cartman is on the examining table.

Doctor: I’m afraid your son has...SOR, or Sudden Onset Retardation.

Mrs. Cartman: Oh, no!

Doctor: Yes, sometimes a child is born normal, but, several years later, he suddenly becomes retarded.  That would be the only explanation for someone who wasn’t retarded before suddenly becoming retarded.  I’ll give him a note so the school can send him to the Special Ed class.

Cartman: But, no, I don’t wanna go to school with the retards....

Doctor: That’s for the school to decide, son.

Shot of the school, then the hallway.  Cartman walks up to the other kids.

Cartman: You, you guys....

Stan: Wow, is that you, Cartman?  I barely recognize you!

Cartman: Uh, I dunno guys, I woke up this morning, an’ I was a retard!  The doctor said I hadda go to Special Ed!  They got me playin’ with blocks in there!

Jimmy: Well now, Eric, how does it feel to be...disabled?

Cartman: It sucks!  

Timmy: Well maybe now you won’t make fun of the disabled anymore, right?

Cartman: I’ll do anythin’ to make this go away!

Jimmy: Well, since you said that, maybe it will go away, if you say, “I’m sorry I was mean to the disabled” a hundred times before you go to bed tonight.

Cartman: Okay, Okay, anything!

Cartman waddles away.

Stan: Dude, that genie’s awesome!

Jimmy: Yes, but now I have used up my three wishes.  But, since the genie gives wishes to whomever holds the bottle, I will give each of you guys the chance to make a wish!  I’ll bring my bottle tomorrow!

Kids: Yay!

Next day.  The kids are in the hallway.  Jimmy has the bottle in his hands.  Token is standing right next to Jimmy.

Jimmy: Okay, who’s first?

Cartman runs in.  Jimmy hides the bottle.

Cartman: Jimmy, it worked!  I’m normal again!

Jimmy: I was right, wasn’t I?

Cartman: Yeah, and now I’ll just make fun of black people!  Hey Token, you’re on welfare and you could molest white women any moment!

Token is furious.  Cartman looks around, expecting the other kids to laugh.  They do not.

Cartman: Uh, anybody?  Okay, bye!

Cartman walks off.  Token reaches for the bottle.

Token: I’ll go first.

Next day.  Cartman is at the doctor’s again with his mother.  Cartman is now black, with a huge Afro.

Doctor: Your son now has SOAA–Sudden Onset African-Americanism.

Mrs. Cartman: Oh no!

Cartman: Hey, if I’m black, how come I don’t wanna rob liquor stores more than usual?

The school corridor.  Cartman comes in to the other kids.  He’s wearing a dashiki.

Cartman: What up you guys?

Kids: Whoa!

Stan: Hi, Cartman.

Cartman: Uh, yo, huh.  I guess this happened because I made fun of Token, huh.

Kids: Yeah.

Cartman: And it’ll go away if I do something, huh.

Token: Yeah, if you go in front of the whole school and admit that you’re fat.

Cartman: Hey, I’m not fat!

Cartman’s Afro frizzes up and grows bigger.  Cartman looks up in horror.

Interior school auditorium.  Cartman is on stage talking into a microphone in front of the whole school.

Cartman: Okay everyone.  

Cartman sucks in his breath.

Cartman: I weigh 190 pounds, all of it fat.  I am fat because I eat lots of fried foods and don’t exercise.  Are you happy now Token?

Token is in the audience smiling.

Cartman: I also promise never to make fun of black people again–but since Kyle isn’t black, I can still make fun of him!  He’s a stupid Jew who can’t eat pork because he’s a faggot!

Kyle is in the audience next to Jimmy.  Kyle glares at Cartman and then looks at Jimmy.

Next day, at the doctor’s office.  Cartman is once again seated on the exam table.  Once again, the doctor and Mrs. Cartman look on.  This time, Cartman has on a yarmulke, Jewish dreadlocks, and a big beard.

Doctor: I think I know what’s really wrong with your son, Mrs. Cartman.  It’s a genie.

Mrs. Cartman: A-a genie?

Doctor: Yes, ma’am.  Sometimes a child will find a bottle with a genie inside, and the genie will give him three wishes.  Apparently, one of your son’s schoolmates is using the genie to humiliate your son, possibly for making fun of minorities.  Does your son have any enemies at school?

Cartman: Kyle!

The school hallway.  The kids are putting their books away.  Cartman appears at the far end of the hall.  Stan, Kyle, and Kenny turn to look at him.

Cartman: All right you guys, I know you have a genie!  I know you’ve been turning me into things!  I’m gonna murder all of you!

Cartman pulls out a big knife!

Cartman: Die!  Die!  Die!  

Cartman runs towards Stan, Kyle, and Jimmy.  Kyle turns to Jimmy.

Stan: Oh my God, we’re gonna die!

Kyle: Jimmy, let me have the genie!

Jimmy gives Kyle the bottle.  Kyle opens it, and Al comes out.

Al: What is your wish, master?

Kyle: I wish Eric Cartman was no longer Jewish!

Al: Moda-ho, moda-

Kyle: Just do it!

Al shoots magic at Cartman.  Cartman returns to normal, but he’s still running towards them with the knife.

Kyle: Okay, I wish Cartman had no bones!

Al zaps Cartman, whose body collapses when his bones disappear.

Cartman: Kll yh gyz....

Kyle: Darn, I just used up my last wish, and he’s still coming!

Stan: Let me have him!

Kyle gives the bottle to Stan.

Stan: I wish Cartman had no muscle tissue!

Cartman stops moving.

Stan gives the bottle to Craig.

Craig: I wish he had worms!

Worms explode out of Cartman’s ass.

Craig hands the bottle to another kid.

Kid: I wish he was made out of doo-doo!

Cartman turns into a pile of wormy crap!

Cartman: Ohhhhhhhhhhhhhh....

All the kids hold their noses.

Kids: Ewwwwww....

Kyle: Wish him away!  Wish him anywhere but here!

Kid: I wish he were in a cornfield!

Cartman disappears.  He reappears in the sky over a cornfield in Nebraska.  He falls onto the cornfield, splattering crap everywhere!  

Stan, voiceover: That fall, Nebraska had its best corn crop in history!

Shot of the kids in the school halls, happy that Cartman is gone.

Stan VO: And no one ever saw the fat kid again!

Shot of a corncob with Cartman’s face.

Cartman: Goddamnit!

Cut to the kids around the fire.  Everybody laughs except Cartman.

Cartman: Okay, now that one had to be about me!

Kyle: How do you know that, Cartman?  Neither of those stories mention your name at all!

Cartman: Oh, is that so?  How about I tell a story?

Stan: Okay, shoot.

Cartman: Once upon a time, there were these four boys sitting around a campfire telling scary stories.  Two of them told stories about one of the other boys, and, even though they didn’t mention that boy by name, those stories made that boy so mad, he farted on them while they were sleeping!  There, how do you like that!

Cartman is smiling, while the other boys are shocked.

Kyle: Those stories still weren’t about you.

Cartman: Okay, you guys.

Butters: C-can I tell a story?

Kyle: Okay, Butters.

Butters: This story is not about Eric at all!  It’s a story about a boy who gets trapped in a terrible situation, and there’s only one way out of it!

Title card: Cartman’s Calamity!

It’s Cartman’s birthday!  Cartman and his mom are in the kitchen, where a cake rests on the kitchen table.  Cartman is wearing a party hat and is all excited!

Mrs. Cartman: Happy birthday sweetie!  The other kids will be here in just a minute!

Cartman: Kick ass!

All the other kids burst through the front door carrying presents.

Cartman: And there they are!  Come over here with the presents, you guys!

The kids bring the presents to the table, where Cartman is seated.

Cartman: Let’s see, now....

Cartman opens the first gift.

Cartman: Wow, a collection of summer sausages!  Thank you, Wendy, help yourself to some apple pie!

Cartman opens another gift.

Cartman: Oh look, the most adorable canary!

Cartman stuffs the bird into his mouth and eats it!

Cartman: Thank you Token, have some ice cream cake!

Butters comes forward with his gift.

Cartman: Oh, what do you want?

Butters: Happy birthday Eric!  I got you some DVDs of your favorite show!

Cartman: Wow, my favorite show!  

Cartman begins opening Butter’s present.

Cartman: I haven’t seen an episode of “Full House” in...what.

A complete set of “Family Guy” DVDs is inside.

Butters: See, I figured that “Family Guy” would appeal to someone with your sense of humor....

Cartman leaps onto the table; fire comes roaring out of his ears and mouth!

Cartman: Butters, how dare you!

Mrs. Cartman: Now sweetie, remember what the doctor said about your temper!  Now let’s watch your new DVDs!

Cartman calms down.

Cartman: Aw, ma!

Everybody goes to the TV.  Mrs. Cartman opens one of the “Family Guy” DVDs and puts it in the DVD player.

“Family Guy” title comes on the TV screen.  Then, a shot of the FG characters in their livingroom.

Lois: Peter, I can’t believe you didn’t flush the toilet today!

Peter: You think that’s bad, remember the time Steve Gutenberg telephoned me and played the White Album over the phone?

Shot of Steve Gutenberg doing just that.  “Back in the USSR” is playing.

Cartman: You call that a joke?

Butters: Aw come on, Eric, let the show grow on ya!

Cartman: The only thing this show is growing on me is jock itch!

Mrs. Cartman looks out the window at some storm clouds.

Mrs. Cartman: Ooh, looks like rain!

Quagmire is on the TV screen talking to Peter.

Quagmire: Giggity-goo, I just got a shipment of hot chicks in from the Phillipines!  

Cartman: That’s it, I’m shutting this crap off!

Cartman walks over to the tv.

Butters: Aw, Cartman’s an Indian giver!

Exterior Cartman house.  Lightning strikes the tv antenna!

The lightning enters the tv and shocks Cartman!  He flashes briefly, then disappears!

Cartman: Aaaah!

Mrs. Cartman: Eric!

Closeup of the tv screen.  Cartman is now in the same scene as Quagmire and Peter!

Peter: Hey Quagmire, who’s this butterball?

Quagmire: He kinda looks like Orson Welles and Telly Savalas had a kid!

Shot of Orson Welles in a hospital bed cradling a baby Cartman, with Telly Savalas looking on.

Welles: I shall name him Rosebud!

Cartman: Hey, what!

Peter: He must be our new cast member!  Welcome aboard, kid!

Cartman: No, no!  

Cartman runs up to the TV screen and bangs on it.

Cartman: You guys!  Help me!

Next day.  A TV repairman examines the TV set.  

Repairman: Okay, it looks like your son suffered a freak accident and is now stuck inside “Family Guy.”

Mrs. Cartman: Oh, no!

Repairman: Yeah, it happens all the time with these new Blu-Rays.  Anyway, I can’t get your son out of there.  That’s up to the Fox Network.  

Repairman turns on the TV.  Cartman is sitting on the couch along with the rest of the cast of the show, facing Peter.

Lois: Peter, I can’t believe you ate all the marshmallows I was saving for dessert tonight!

Peter: You think that’s bad, let’s let our new cast member come up with something!

Everybody looks at Cartman.  Cartman sighs.

Cartman: Okay.  Remember the time Steve Gutenberg ate chips on our couch.

Shot of Steve Gutenberg eating chips on the couch.

Mrs. Cartman: Everything’s going to be okay, Pootie-poo!  We’ll call the Fox Network to get you out!

Repairman: But first, you’ve got to have sex with me to pay for the visit!

Mrs. Cartman: Okay, sweetie, after I do this!

Cartman sighs again.

Peter: That reminds me, Lois....

Cartman looks at the camera in sheer terror!

Next day.  Fox executives are watching “Family Guy” on TV.  Cartman is running around the house terrified because Stewie is chasing him with a chainsaw.

Stewie: How DARE you criticize Nathan Lane!

Cartman: Aaah! Aaaaaah! Save me from this crazy baby!

The Fox executives all laugh.

Exec 1: It’s like a combination of a reality show AND a cartoon!

Exec 2: It’s killing all our competitors in the ratings!

Exec 3: This’ll more than make up for canceling “The Simpsons!”  It’ll never go off the air!

Cartman’s mom on the phone.

Cartman’s Mom: Oh, okay.

She hangs up and turns to the TV.

Cartman’s Mom: Sweetie, the network said they can only get you out of there if they cancel the show, and it’s too popular to ever be cancelled!

Cartman: What?  What kind of bleep bleep is that!  Hey!  How come I can’t swear anymore!

Cartman’s Mom: You’re on network television, sweetie.

Cartman begins crying.

Cartman: You mean I can’t ever swear!  And I’m stuck on this stupid program forever?

Cartman’s Mom: Well, maybe not, if the human race and all of its TV shows are wiped out, but that could be millions of years in the future, sweetie.

Cartman really starts bawling!

Next day.  Stan, Kyle, and Butters are watching “Family Guy” on Kyle’s TV and talking to Cartman.

Stan: Sorry you’re stuck on “Family Guy,” dude.

Kyle: I’m sorry he’s on my favorite show, he’s ruining it!

Butters: And there’s no way Eric can ever get offa there?

Stan: Not unless the show gets cancelled, and this show’s been on for years!  It even came back after being cancelled before!

Kyle: The only way that show could ever get cancelled is if it got so bad, people would stop watching it!  

Butters: Maybe if Eric offended a lotta people, then they’d stop watching the show!

Cartman on screen: That’s it, Butters!  You’re not as dumb as people say you are!

Butters, Aw, gee, thanks!

“Family Guy” comes on again.  Everybody but Cartman is sitting on the couch in front of Peter.

Lois: Peter, I can’t believe you joined the Ku Klux Klan willingly!

Peter: You think that’s bad—

Cartman runs into the living room naked.  Everything offensive is blocked out.

Cartman: Hey you guys, look!  You can see my privates!  I guess you’ll have to cancel the show now, huh?

Peter: Nobody can see anything, kid, this is network TV!  Now, as I was saying, Remember the time John Stamos gave me VD?

Cartman: Aaaaagh!

Next episode.  Peter, Quagmire, and Cleveland are in the Drunken Clam having beers.

Quagmire: I hear Hawaiian women are pretty hot.

Cleveland: I’d agree with you if I ever cared about anything.

Peter: You think that’s bad!

Cartman comes in the Drunken Clam.

Cartman: Hey, you guys!  A minor in a bar, that’s pretty offensive, isn’t it?

Peter: Not as offensive as Dave Coulier bleep bleep bleep!

Peter, Quagmire, and Cleveland all laugh.  Cartman starts crying.

Butters is watching the show on TV.

Butters: Aw, somebody should help him!

Shot of the school library doorway.  Inside the library, Butters is looking through a book called Television Reality.  

Butters: Hmm, “Best Ways to Get a TV Show Cancelled.”

Next day.  Family Guy is on again.  Peter is dancing an Irish jig dressed as an IRA terrorist.

Peter: Erin go boom!

Cartman is right next to him, wearing a green dress.  He looks very sick and pale.

Cartman: I, I can’t take this anymore.  So much lame writing, can’t survive much longer, need funny.

Butters comes up to the TV with the book he was reading.

Cartman: Butters!  It’s all your fault I’m in here!  How else are you gonna torture me!

Butters: Hey Eric, I just found out that the best way to get a TV show cancelled is for the characters on the show to do drugs and not suffer any bad consequences!  

Cartman: And Peter’s growing marijuana in the basement!  You know Butters, I’m sorry for all the times I was ever mean to you.

Butters: Aw shucks, Eric.

Cartman goes into the Griffin’s basement.  The marijuana is growing under a fluorescent lamp.

Cartman grabs a handful and begins rolling it up.

The Griffin family is in their regular pose, with the family facing Peter.

Lois: Peter, I can’t believe—

Cartman comes in smoking a joint.

Cartman coughs.

Cartman: Hey you guys.

All the other characters stare at him in fear.

Peter: NO KID, NO!

All of a sudden, the entire screen, except for Cartman, melts like film caught in the projector!

Cartman: Hah!  That got rid of those bastards!  Now, when I get back to reality, I’m gonna kill you, Butters!  For real!

Cartman suddenly appears in a kitchen–surrounded by the cast of “Drawn Together.”

Cartman: What the hell?

Captain Hero: Toot’s about to have a diarrhea flood, everyone!

Toot, offscreen: Oopsy-Tootsy!

Diarrhea floods the screen.


Back to the campfire as Butters finishes his story.

Butters: And that was the end of the fat kid!

Cartman throws down the bag of marshmallows and walks over to Butters.  He smacks Butters in the mouth.

Cartman: What was that all about, huh, Butters?  Why did you end the story with the fat kid going on “Drawn Together?”

Butters rubs his mouth.

Butters: Uh, I just thought that’d be a funny ending, that’s all!

Cartman: But you didn’t set it up properly, Butters!  It looks completely random, just like on “Family Guy!”  I’m gonna tell everybody at school tomorrow that you tell stories like a manatee!

Kyle: Yeah, Butters, that really ruins the story.

Stan: Come on, Kyle, let’s go home.

All the kids except Butters walk off.

Butters: Gee, I wish I were better all tellin’ stories.

Peter walks up to Butters.

Peter: Don’t bother kid, look at me!

Butters: YAAAAAGH!!!

Credits roll.
My first South Park fanfiction. It's a South Park version of the Simpsons Halloween episodes. Polite critique will be appreciated!
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June 17, 2009
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